Why I’ve been so absent…
I don’t really know how to explain my lack of posts recently. Part of me wants to just write about how I’m now home for half term, and have made it! The first half of my term at Norland complete, YES!... However, the other half of me recognises that I set up this blog to be honest, and whilst I would love to just write about my good days, that would be totally dishonest to myself, and to you all. Mental illness doesn’t just disappear; whether you are living in a beautiful place, are surrounded by lovely people, or are doing your dream job, it’s always there. By its nature, mental health is relentless, unpredictable, overwhelming… and well, that’s exactly what I’ve been experiencing in recent weeks.
It’s not that I don’t love Norland, my course, Bath, it’s not that I don’t realise the immense sacrifices that my family have made to get me here. It’s just that to me, currently, life without anorexia is far scarier than life with it. It’s my coping mechanism. Ridiculous, right? When you think about it, no, it’s not really. Every single person has coping mechanisms, some are just healthier or simply more accepted than others. Whilst people stare at me, failing to ascertain why I don’t just eat for goodness sake, we just accept other coping mechanisms like getting drunk etc. That’s ‘normal’, but that emaciated girl, that’s not normal, that’s not right.
I’ve found myself talking less about my illness recently; I wish I could say it’s because it’s featuring less in my life, and is taking up less of my day to day thoughts. But, it’s not. I know exactly why I’ve been so quiet about it, because I’ve been obeying it; letting it take over.
Anorexia thrives off silence, the minute you let others in, you reduce the power that the illness has over you. It’s my coping mechanism, why would I want to let go of it? It gives me a sense of comfort that nothing else seems able to give me. Yes, I know that if I keep obeying it I will eventually end up in hospital, or worse. But that’s just it, I know what it gives me; restriction provides me that urgent surge of relief.
Temporary though it may be, but isn’t that how most people’s negative coping mechanisms work? Alcoholism, smoking, over-working, drugs. In the moment, you’re so desperate to numb what you don’t want to feel, or deal with, that of course you go back to the way you know quickly resolves that, and for me, it’s to not eat… to feel empty. Because if I’m empty, at least I’m in control. And if I’m in control, then I can cope with life. Anorexia = control, it equals comfort. Yes, it may equal pain in the long term, as it steals yet another opportunity from me. But in that deciding moment I can’t see the long term, my brain’s too busy focusing on how to solve my short term discomfort of feeling out of control. That’s why I go back to it. I know that I won’t be able to remain at Norland if I don’t fight this. But to me, currently, life without anorexia is far scarier than life with it.
Whilst I’m at home this week, I want to get back on track. That is, Mima. Mima wants to get back on track. Of course, anorexia doesn’t…anorexia doesn’t even want me to post this. That’s because in posting it I’m making myself accountable, not only to myself, but also to anyone who reads this.
Writing on here, publically admitting that in recent weeks I’ve given in far too much to anorexia, is hard. It’s really, really hard. I feel like I’m letting people down… a new start, a new City, Mima should be thriving… yet she’s not, she’s still struggling. And, in my eyes, only I am to blame. If I want to change things, I can. No one can do it for me. So, that’s why I’ve been so absent on here recently, because I’ve been afraid; embarrassed to say how I’m actually doing. But, in doing so, my silence has only fuelled my illness further. That’s why, today I’ve decided to break my silence, to post, to shout louder than anorexia, with the hope that even if I’m still failing to believe I can do this, the belief of others reading this may will me on.
