I've been discharged!!!

It still hasn’t sunk in that I’ve actually been discharged; there have been lots of times when I’ve thought that the day would never come. 

Three months ago I waved goodbye to my dear parents through the glass window of the locked ward doors. However, on Thursday, I got to walk out of those same doors WITH them. I didn’t have to ask permission to be buzzed out, nor did I have to get my leave from the ward granted, I was able to freely walk out of there! 

An update so far - I’m finding life on the outside utterly thrilling! I can now make cups of tea WHENEVER I want, can have HOT showers, or EVEN a bath if I so wish! I can experience delicacies such as toast that’s hot enough for the butter to actually melt, as well as the more extravagant luxuries of Emma Hepburn’s famously good cooking!... I can choose what I eat, when I want, where I want. And what’s more, I can actually be a normal 22 year old; meeting up with people, going out, and roaring around in trusty old Ona! It feels AMAZING! 

I suppose it must be hard to imagine what life is like when your freedom is taken away from you, if you’ve never had to endure it. All I can say is how it felt for me - like my worst nightmare. The driving force behind my anorexia, has always been an extreme desire for control (though of course, it paradoxically takes away all your control). So, being detained in a locked ward, where my bags were checked, my room searched, with little/no choice over the food I had to eat, and having to earn the simple pleasure of a walk in the fresh air, really was hellish, but, let me make this very clear, I knew it was what I needed at the time; I wouldn’t be where I am today had I not gone through it. 

The reality is that by trying to gain control through obeying my eating disorder, in the end, I lost all control. The things that I’ve seen and felt over the past three months whilst being an inpatient have been by far the hardest things that I have ever, and likely will ever, endure. Here are a few snippets from my diary throughout those 65 days, to show the true realities of the many ups and downs of this journey, how the smallest things would brighten my day, and how manipulative this illness is… 

31st January 2019 – ‘I have to wait until 21:45 for ‘night snack’ before I can settle down and sleep and escape this nightmare. I’m still here though, as Mima knows if I walk out now it’ll (anorexia) make me go home, pretend things will be different when… they won’t, and I’ll have missed out on my one shot at beating this. So, no matter what, I WILL stick it out for now… a day at a time.’

1st February 2019 – ‘I’m not over-reacting, the food is AWFUL… but the staff/patients are actually nice and it’s not as chaotic as the Priory etc. Midge said to ‘trust Mima’… but I feel if I leave anorexia will win & take over again… that’s what I fear if I don’t stick this out for a bit/a decent amount of time. I think it’s anorexia who wants me to return to the comfort of home etc but that means I’ll stay ill forever if I do so…’

3rd February 2019 – ‘New increased breakfast - tick. Never have I been so grateful for toast!!’

 4th February 2019 – ‘Just had the weird turkey pie for lunch… hmm.. not first choice let’s say. Then ‘Community Meeting’ with the family therapist leading… he’s weird… I think he has more problems than us; very bizarre man - not a fan!’.

‘I GOT MY FIRST BREATH OF FRESH AIR IN A FULL WEEK TODAY! It was lovely!’. 

 5th February 2019 – ‘Please, please, please help me get out of hospital, allow them to allow me to discharge myself tomorrow. I will try at home, I won’t let everyone down. My biggest fear is to be told I can’t & to be sectioned. I can’t put into words how much that scares me.’

6th February 2019 – ‘THE worst day of my life. Apparently I can’t leave, and if I try to they’ll do a MHA (Mental Health Assessment) on me as my BMI is life threateningly low. This is ridiculous!’ 

 7th February 2019 – ‘I guess the only way from rock bottom is up? Isn’t that what they say? As I have no choice & can’t leave I’m going to try & make the best of this. You, Mima, have the power over how YOU feel. NOT anorexia. You can choose how you react to things. Try to hold onto any glimmer of positivity’.

‘Last night I couldn’t stop crying all evening – I was hysterical. If I’m honest, I wanted it all to end. I saw no reason to keep going. My life seemed hopeless. I have never ever felt so low, ever!’

12th February 2019 – ‘I’m SO proud I admitted myself here, I do SO want to get better, and I can’t believe I’m actually here, doing it, recovering! I AM! It’s petrifying, but I am DOING IT!’.

13th February 2019 – ‘Just feel like why the hell am I carrying on? Everyone says, “you’re so strong”, “you’ll have so much to look forward to” etc, when actually I don’t think that at all. I can’t bare to live like this anymore.’

‘This morning confirmed that cold toast is certainly NOT for me! But at least I got 15 minutes leave to go outside today! – it’s the little things!’

‘I need to just keep realigning & re-focusing on WHY I came in here. Before, I was struggling with food & guilt so much that I felt like dying. Mima knows Vincent Square has saved her from herself, but it’s also been the most painful & scary experience’. 

‘Before I came in, if I re-read my entries, I’m praying for a bed, Mima knew she needed one, desperately & yet when I come in I want to get out. Why? Because being in here scares the life out of anorexia, it has nowhere to hide, it’s been revealed as toxic, not my friend, my enemy. IT wants power over me forever & the fact that’s not possible when I have a team here fighting against it when I feel I can’t any longer, that scares it, that petrifies it, as it’s true, manipulative self is being revealed. This experience is needed, much as it’s horrid. I’ve faced THE worst & most intense feelings of despair in here, but I’ve kept eating & got through them. Yep, in this cell of a room, I’ve faced my scary feelings, cried them out, written them out, anything & everything BUT using food as my coping mechanism. I’ve wanted to leave this place daily, I’ve felt totally desperate at times…’

‘Larry was on b’fast so it was smooth & good also they had crumpets – yay! Here’s to a good day, and the sun is out which helps! It’s small positives that make a big difference!’

‘Just now at snack a nurse unhelpfully told me off for dunking my bar in my tea… like WHAT?! That’s NORMAL! This place is such a prison! Worse than prison I would even go so far as to say.’

‘I just HAVE to trust in the process for now though, I simply do – they’re making me BETTER, anorexia’s the one who hates it & wants me to stay ill, it wants to sabotage me. These nurses really do care, they’re amazing!’

‘It was so refreshing to get excited & laugh with someone & talk about something other than anorexia – see it’s the first time I’ve even mentioned the ‘A’ word on this page & that’s a first! It’s lovely to have something to look forward to. It’s lovely to feel people care enough to reach out to me.’

‘Went right from my CPA (Care Programme Approach) where lovely Sharon came & gave me big hugs & said how proud she is of me, which means A LOT! I showed her the photo of her & me in my ward room & her letter up on the wall of my room.’

‘Just spoken to a very low Daddy, too. I just don’t get why life is so hard for my family, and has been for so long?’ 

Those are just a few of the many highs and lows that I’ve felt throughout this admission. Whilst an inpatient, it was the simplest of things, such as toast rather than cold bread, or crumpets in that day’s delivery, that would make my day! Okay, jokes aside, I hope that the above sheds perhaps a glimmer of light on what the past 65 days have been like for me, and above all that they help show why this illness is so serious, and just how manipulative it is. After just two days in the ward ‘it’ tried to trick me into believing I was cured and ‘had learnt my lesson’. This illness doesn’t stop at anything, it not only tricks those around you, it also tricks the sufferer too, and the only way I can continue winning against it, as my consultant made very clear, ‘is to keep eating and working with those around me to win against it’. 

Thank you to all of the Vincent Square team, everyone who has supported me along the way, and my hero of a nurse, Sharon. Now the hard work really begins…