Filled with regret...

I’ll be honest, my ‘recovery’, if I can even call it that, has not been going at all well recently leaving me feeling like a total failure; low, miserable, and irritable with those I love the most. My sleeps gotten worse again, I lie awake worrying that I’ll be like this forever, I worry about how much I’m hurting those around me, I worry that I’ll never get the life I want; the husband, the children, the happy memories. I worry that despite what people say I don’t have the strength to beat this. It leaves me feeling totally deflated, hopeless, and underserving. 

When I was in the Priory in 2015 I was asked to complete the ‘Anorexia Nervosa Workbook (1999)’ by Dr Janet Treasure. The aim of this workbook is to make you think about what’s preventing you from leaving anorexia behind, the damage the illness is doing, and the benefits of real recovery. So, when I happened to come across this booklet this morning it certainly felt like a sign. As I read through it, the pain I already felt intensified, dramatically. But, I kept reading in the hope that it may cajole me into making better decisions today, to stop appeasing anorexia any longer. Page 11 was the hardest, there were two letters, one I had written to a friend in five years time free from anorexia, and one in five years time if I still had anorexia…

‘Letter to a friend in 5 years time free from Anorexia: I’m now 23 years old and am the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m physically better than ever & psychologically too, food & weight no longer matter to me. I’m living a full & productive life and have got a job. I’ve been to uni and read Psychology which helped me get a job in London which I’m loving & doing well in. I’ve met someone who I click with & enjoy being with & we live together in London. Despite having anorexia 5 years ago I’m no longer controlled at all by it, I always go out with friends & am now using the experience to my advantage by improving the mental health system due to experiencing what I did, so daily help people improve their lives. My family are all very busy, off doing different things, they no longer worry about me as they know I’m content & very happy, they’re all more happy & are enjoying their lives far more & all have their own careers. I feel happier in myself regardless of size or anything else to do with anorexia. I have a whole future ahead of me, where I can get married & have my own children.’ 

‘Letter to a friend in 5 years time if I still have anorexia: I’m 23 years old & have forgotten what number admission I’m now on. I have less control now than ever before, despite being even older! I never managed to get to go to uni and achieve a degree in Psychology like I wanted, I also have never had a job or proper relationship, other than my one with anorexia. The only people I ever occasionally see are my family as all my friends have moved on and got on with their lives while I’ve been stuck ill. My family has broken down, my mum is ill again due to the worry my illness has/is causing her. I don’t see my siblings often as they’re all getting on with their lives now. I feel more unsatisfied, discontent & regretful as every day passes. I wish I took the opportunity I had at 18 to beat this illness. Physically I’m even worse, my bodies failing & I can’t ever have children of my own. I’ve never managed to do my ambition of improving the mental health system & helping improve other’s lives, as I’ve never got better. People just feel sorry for me now, they don’t envy my successful career or life or family, all because I didn’t get better when I had the chance 5 years ago.’ 

Next year will be the five year marker… I can’t believe it. Angry doesn’t come close, why have you been so STUPID Mima? Why didn’t you accept the help those years ago? Early intervention is the key, why have I wasted these years? The worst part is I feel like the second scenario is already coming true... no degree, no job, no boyfriend. This illness is no joke, it’s not about wanting to be thin, look a certain way, or get attention. This illness is destructive at the very least, deadly at it’s worst.

I have no doubt about my motivation, I know I couldn’t be more motivated to shift this once and for all, but motivation alone won’t get me better. I HAVE to start acting, no amount of inspiring videos, podcasts, talks, or books will get me better. Come on Mima, for your future self do this, don’t be sitting in the same regretful position in another years time.