Kindness matters...

I haven’t felt how I’ve felt over the past few days in, well… about 5 years. I’d genuinely forgotten what happiness felt like.

I know I always go on about it, but Orri really has saved my life. It is the most special place I’ve ever been a part of. There, I am wholeheartedly accepted; the good days and the bad. Those at Orri have not only been by my side throughout the past 8 months, they’ve been in it with me. They’ve seen the shutters come down, the walk outs, and the tears. But they’ve also seen the lights come back on; the hope and the happiness. 

The other night I read something in Brene Brown’s book which really struck a chord. ‘When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive ones. You can’t experience the joy without experiencing the pain’. If you’re reading this, you’ll probably know the struggle of the past five/six years. The depths this illness has taken me to has at times left me questioning if I could even go on. 

So, I’ve felt those painful emotions; I’ve most definitely felt them. 

But, I wouldn’t trade them in, not now. Had you of asked me a few months ago, yes, I would have traded my life in for almost anyone else’s, but not now. 

Why? Because from these experiences I have gained a far greater capacity for the moments of joy. Brene defines joy as something that comes to us ‘in moments – often ordinary moments’. She explains it is not a constant, though many of us mistake it to be. Joy is like a light that flickers, for if it was there all the time it’s very purpose, that special momentary feeling would become redundant. 

So perhaps it’s not happiness I’ve felt, but joy. It’s been a string of moments over recent days where the lights have been on, where I’ve seen the hope, a life beyond all of this, beyond my own head, which is something I’ve never felt whilst contending against anorexia. 

I’ve never felt as understood and supported as I do now, and that’s probably the key. I can almost see the past five years on a re-run, and it’s sad, it’s so sad, and so lonely. But that’s just it, I don’t feel alone in it anymore. 

I don’t feel alone in it anymore, and THAT is without a doubt the most healing feeling in the world. 

Mental illness alone doesn’t kill, it’s the loneliness that kills. This week is Mental Health Awareness Week, and the theme is Kindness. Reach out and spread a little more kindness, because you never know the difference it could make to that one person’s life. #kindnessmatters