An update...

Long time no post, where have I been I hear you ask. Well like the rest of the population… not very far. But in terms of recovery… on quite a journey!

Since I last wrote, mission tOast has continued (mission being in bold, tOast with a capital O). Paddington Bear I am not (yet)… my brain still confuses the idea of warm marmalade toast with fight or flight rather than a good reason to get out of bed in the morning. BUT they say these things take time… so I’ll keep working on that one.

In other news, having spent months and months not feeling able to think much further ahead than the next week or so, in February I made the decision to reassess my ‘why’ . This is something tangible that I hold onto daily, and can remind myself of especially on the harder days, which for a long time was Norland. I wanted to recover to resume my studies, so that I could work to make a difference to a child’s life, to prevent them from pain, to protect them from hurt. But having seen what I’ve seen and been through what I’ve been through, I’ve learnt that no one is immune to life struggles; they come regardless of upbringing, love or education. And since delving deeper I’ve realised that all I’ve ever really wanted to do is to make a difference. 

In the past I (perhaps rather naively) believed that I could prevent the suffering of others and make it all better. It’s only now that I’m beginning to recognise that simply isn’t within my power. I might not be able to the prevent pain, but what I can do is to be alongside them in it. And that is what I really want to do, that is what I’ve always wanted to do. That is my why.   

In February this realisation, paired with the exceptional support from those who have been alongside me throughout my recovery led me to look into training to become a Mental Health Nurse. Things moved very fast, resulting in an interview and an offer an unconditional place to train at Kings College (London) as a Mental Health Nurse, starting in September. Making my why feel for the first time ever, within touching distance. 

BUT in order to make September my reality, I have a lot of work to do before then. I have to be in the best place possible before I can help others, so please know that if I’m quiet on here or am less responsive it’s not because I don’t care or appreciate the love and support, I just have to use this time for my recovery.