Where do I even begin...

Long time no see! 

Did I drop off the face of the earth? Kinda!

No, I’ve been at Orri. The days there are so long and intense that I’ve literally not had a minute to even begin a blog post. BUT, today is Day One of my Christmas holidays, so I’m finally getting around to it! 

So much has happened in the 8 weeks that I’ve been at Orri I don’t even know where to begin?! Maybe with some snippets of my diary. The highs and the lows so far…

29/10/19 – ‘Feel like I’m going to have to walk out of here pre-supper, I just can’t see myself managing to stay. I feel so, so bad. I can’t do this.’

06/11/19 – ‘Feeling hopeful for the first time in I can’t remember how long! Scott made delish banana bread this afternoon, AND I managed to actually peel twice in Bananagrams for the first time! Progress!’

07/11/19 – ‘Sat in Pret by Tottenham Court Road. Walked out of Orri. Couldn’t do it today. It was all downhill from breakfast.’

16:37 - ‘God help me. Walking back to Orri now to see Kerrie…’ 

12/11/19 – ‘I seem to trip myself up wherever possible. Feeling exhausted and full of emotions, this afternoons psycho-drama session threw up a lot of stuff. Others were explaining how only by talking about it will I ever get better. I HAVE to let it out. I feel full of food and now full of emotion too. I can’t keep all this in though, it’s keeping me ill. But where do I even begin? I feel so overwhelmed.’ 

13:37 – ‘Can’t do it, can’t do it, can’t do it’. I burst into tears, she gently led me into the garden room instead. I sat tears racing down my cheeks. ‘Why do you all even believe in me? Clearly I can’t do this, I should just resign myself to the fact I just have to live with anorexia. I can’t do this.’ Paula said that she refuses to give up hope. That so long as I keep coming in and working hard I will make progress. That’s what I need, them to help me fight when I no longer feel able to’.

21:13 – ‘She managed to get me through this bowl of ice cream that half an hour ago anorexia was adamant wouldn’t ever pass my lips. Hats off to her! She asked if a call later this evening would help, or an email, “You’re not in this alone” - that mattered, her saying that really, really mattered. What incredibly kind, supportive people’. 

20/11/19 – ‘Another evening from hell. Sat down for supper SO anxious. Instantly regretted my decision. I tried to remain calm on the outside, whilst imploding inside. What the hell was I meant to do? The thoughts were getting louder and louder, and the anxiety was paralysing. I burst into tears, ‘it’s too much, I can’t do it, I can’t do it, it’s all too much’. 

25/11/19 – ‘I felt like I was physically going to implode from anxiety earlier. BUT it did go down! Staying as you are is NOT an option Mima’.  

28/11/19 – ‘Very tough morning. Mummy and daddy came in for my review. I left feeling totally hopeless. My consultant said that if I don’t change I’ll be like this forever. I feel numb to it all. We went out to Pret after to talk… they were both clearly very upset at what had been said; the idea their Mima could be consumed by this forever. I felt like SUCH a failure, such a let-down, everything in me wanted to walk off into oblivion and never come back. They told me that even if I couldn’t recover they won’t love me any less. But that’s never been an option in my head… I HAVE to recover, no choices are involved. I can’t let this defeat me, I can’t let anorexia defeat my family’.

30/11/19 – ‘My God that was bad. Feeling beyond awful. How have I let anorexia turn me into such a monster? At what point did I stop caring about others? When did I get so selfish? I’m sorry I even exist, I wish I didn’t. Paula came in and was having none of it, ‘Come on Jemima, you will do this. You’re not going until you have. You’ve not upset the others, your eating disorder has, seeing you in so much pain has. Much as it may not seem it, it hurts me too to see you in such pain. You CAN do it, pick up your knife and fork.’ I realised at that point there was no compromise to be had, no way out. Tears flooded my face, but mouthful after mouthful I ate it.’

02/12/19 – ‘PROGRESS! For the first time in weeks! Managed an increase… full pack of crisps at lunch!!!’

21:01 – ‘I freaking did it! I ate ALL my supper despite feeling no way in hell would I manage to. Paula did have to calm me down and told me, “I have all evening, I’m in London tonight, we are NOT having a repeat of Friday. Come on Jemima, I won’t hear any ‘I can’t’ You CAN do this”. Her steel determination and belief in me, alongside the other two others at the table are what got me through. Once I told anorexia there was no option bite my bite I got through it all. Paula was shocked, totally shocked and high fived me. They were all so pleased and so encouraging. I just thought, ‘if you did it in Vincent Square, you can definitely do it here!’. 

04/12/19 – ‘Yessss! Had a more positive review. I WILL make best use of Orri. I WILL get better and travel. I will!’. 

05/12/19 – ‘One of the girls gave me a beautiful star she’d made specially for me, saying ‘you star!’… it’s the little things…’

09/12/19 – ‘Every fibre inside of me wanted to get up and walk out. BUT, I refused to give into anorexia. Then after in processing I just burst into tears. One of the team stayed with me for 40 minutes after talking it all through which helped. God I wish there was an easier way out of all this.’

16/12/19 – ‘Full on laughed in group for the first time since, well I can’t remember when! Literally had to stop myself laughing in her face. It was just a funny comment, a ‘you had to be there moment’. But it reminded me why I’m here doing this; to regain that part of Mima again who used to keel over in laughter, whose tears were those of happiness not fear. Moments like just now are why I’m doing this’. 

21:00 – ‘So freaking proud of myself as managed supper fully no meltdown AND it was risotto!!! Not feeling at all okay with it now though. But the fear of being as I am now in another years time is even worse, “stay with it” as Kerrie says. I HAVE to sit through this.’

17/12/19 – ‘Christmas lunch. Where do I even begin? This always happens, whenever I least want anorexia to rear it’s ugly head it does and I HATE it. Missed out on all the fun going on as I was too busy crying over some turkey. What the hells wrong with me? It was just TURKEY for goodness sake!?

19/12/19 – ‘I did it. I just took the biggest step in all the five years I’ve been battling this. Sharing what’s keeping me trapped. That was harder than I can put into words, but I trust the team at Orri more than anywhere. They truly do care and my God does it count for a lot. I couldn’t ask for more, they are just beyond words’. 

Perhaps those diary entries from the past 8 weeks will give some indication of how up and down each day, or even each hour is in recovery. One minute I can see the light and hope, and the next complete darkness. As I re-read those entries I am hopeful though that slowly progress is being made. But it has been, and continues to be mountainous. One thing I know for sure is that I couldn’t have got through it all without the support of the wonderful team at Orri. 

So often I berate myself for having this illness, gradually I’m starting to question where that’s really getting me? As my therapist says, ‘compassion is the opposite of anorexia, if you can learn to be self-compassionate you can slowly start to heal’. I hope that I can one day believe this isn’t all my own fault, but the process is painfully long and relentless… 

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be taking time off my blog/email/phone etc. as I know that what I really need right now is time and space to get to where I want to be in order to return to Orri in January. Please know that I’m incredibly grateful for all of the messages of love and support, however, I won’t be replying to them for a while. I hope that 2020 can be a year of positive change, the year that I start to get my life back. 

For now, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!