What a special place...
I feel lost for words. On Thursday afternoon I was allowed out to meet my parents for tea. I had been looking forward to it all week, in fact it’s what had been willing me on, as this week was proving a real toughie.
We met in the hotel just around the corner from Orri, Mummy wanted me to see their amazing Christmas decorations - pink and sparkly, very Mima. Daddy arrived shortly after, and with him he bought a package that I was told I could only open when he was ready and filming… a slightly bizarre request, but I went along with it.
Inside this package was possibly the most special gift I’ve ever received. For once I wasn’t crying over a meal, I was crying at the kindness of all of my friends and tutors at Norland. My dear friend Hannah had gone and got everyone to write messages of support, not just ‘I hope you get well soon’ messages, these were long, carefully thought through, genuine, and incredibly encouraging messages. Messages that I will hold firmly onto forever. Everyday since this special book has come with me to Orri in my bag, and it remains a huge boost of encouragement, especially on the harder days. Thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to write such special words.
I wanted to write about it here because it totally bowled me over. In recent months there have been many times when I’ve not been able to see any light, in fact I’ve not wanted to go on anymore; anorexia hadn’t killed me, but it may as well have done so. To lose all hope of a future, to lose any want to go on living is a very scary place to be, and one that I was in even just a month ago…
19th October 2019
05:20am – ‘What the hell am I doing with my life? Alone and awake again at 5am. I want to move on from it all, why do I keep letting it trap me? No why do I keep trapping myself. It’s my fault. I hate lying, I hate the worry it causes. I hate who it’s made me become. What does Mima want from life? I’ve no idea how to even get what I want from life. It feels like I will never be able to. I’m doubting things can ever get better…’.
16:44 – ‘Had a very tearful therapy session earlier, Mummy came in and met her for the first time. She told me no way will I get back to Norland in January. I was broken. So broken.’
The special parcel I received on Thursday not only revived my hope, but it also reassured me that no matter how long this recovery process takes, Norland will be there waiting for me. I can’t rush this; I’ve done that too many times before. Hard though it may feel, if Norland has to wait a little longer, then so be it. I know that they would much rather have me back happy and healthy than anything else.
The resounding message that echoed over each page read, ‘Love never faileth’ and ‘Strength in adversity’; the two key principles on which Norland is built. What an incredible place. You don’t get this kind of support from any old university; this little brown book is Norland through and through, and I couldn’t be more proud to be a part of it, and have it to go back to when the time is right. Thank you all so, so much. Thank you dear Hannah.
