Nothing lasts forever...

I’m just back from walking Mungo. It’s funny how the world has certain ways of telling us things, or teaching us lessons, isn’t it? 

On Monday, as I was sat with my therapist we tried to work out what it is exactly that keeps me trapped in anorexia’s grips. We came to the conclusion that, like others, it’s become my coping mechanism. I hate feeling out of control, low, angry, and all those other emotions we cluster together and put in a box labelled ‘bad/wrong/uncomfortable’, so I’ve trained myself to believe that indulging in restriction lessens the intensity of these feelings; it provides me with a familiar kind of comfort, but a comfort that is paradoxically making my life incredibly uncomfortable in the long run. 

My therapist tried to reassure me that much to my scepticism I can go against anorexia, yes I will probably feel pretty bad, yes those beliefs may come true; I may feel huge anxiety, BUT… “nothing lasts forever, not feelings of happiness and over-joy, and not feelings of lowness and despair”. 

I’ve never really stopped to think about it in that way, but she’s right, nothing lasts forever, anxiety can only get so high before it naturally has to reduce again, it can’t just keep going up and up. Similarly, the uncomfortable feelings I may experience when going against anorexia may come true, however they WILL pass, and it’s that that I must hold onto. 

As I was out walking Mungo just now the skies opened and I got totally and utterly drenched, soaked through. But, I kept walking and let the rain soak me; I didn’t hide under a tree, rush home, or get in a flap, I just kept walking knowing that Mungo was thoroughly enjoying himself, and the rain would eventually stop. Then, as I was nearly home, the sun came out and the rain stopped… little too late as I was already dripping, but it made me think; similarly to how I kept walking, reassured in the knowledge that the rain would eventually pass, so I could foster the same thought-process when dealing with anorexia. If I can learn to sit through those horrid feelings, just like I did in hospital, I will without doubt start to make progress again. 

‘Nothing lasts forever’, come on Mima, repeat it however many times you need to, ‘nothing lasts forever’; life won’t always feel this hard.