What it's like to live with Anorexia, the parts others don't see...

I started this blog as an honest space for me to shed light on the reality of what life is like battling a mental illness, specifically, Anorexia. I try to not hold back on what post because at my worst I longed to read something that made me feel less alone; I wanted to know that others who had felt as bad as I did had got through it; that there was hope.

Although I wrote the piece below a few weeks ago I didn’t want to share it at the time as it felt too raw; it was too much. Perhaps because sometimes when you share your pain it can make it feel more real and more intense? Or perhaps it was because I feared that it would only heighten the shame I already feel? I’m not sure, but I couldn’t will myself to share it until now.

“Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any lower, this morning I woke feeling even worse. What does living with anorexia feel like? 

It feels like a dark cloud is hanging over you, regardless of where you go, it follows. It steals every ounce of joy, hope and life and replaces them with feelings of hopelessness, desperation, and despair. Each minute of the day feels mountainous – no, I’m not exaggerating. I want things to distract me, to help the day pass by faster but at the same time I have no attention span; anorexia consumes every thought. 

Midge is off again today, off to stay at our Grandparent’s house, in Surrey. I feel angry, I feel let down, and I feel abandoned… once again. However, these are MY feelings, she’s not to blame, in fact, it’s my fault she’s off again. 

Tears streamed down her face as she explained late last night, ‘I SO want to save you. Do you think I want to pack my bags again and leave you? No, I hate having to tear myself away from you, I hate leaving you, but I can’t bare to see the pain you’re in, I can’t bare not being able to help you. I want to stay, to make that chart with you, to be right by your side, encouraging you to eat, to get better, to fight. But I can’t. I can’t put my life on hold, I know you wouldn’t want that either, and I’d just be left feeling resentful. I have to go away, we can’t both live together in this close proximity when you’re so ill. I know you need the support of home more than me, so I have to be the one to go. But do you think I want to go? There’s nothing I want more than to stay here, to have a home, to feel comfortable, but I can’t because your need is greater than mine.’ 

God I hate myself. What have I done? I’ve stolen my twins home, stolen the attention she needs. In fact, I’ve stolen the attention she’s needed for the past 5 years. How unfair is that, how selfish are you Mima? Indulging in anorexia is not only stealing your life, but your twin’s life too. 

There’s no going around it, Midge has been the after-thought for far too long. Surely if I had any bit of remorse I would use it to get better, right? 

I wish, I so, so wish that’s how anorexia worked, I wish there was something that could cajole me out of this dark hole. But that’s the worst part, there doesn’t seem to be. 

People must wonder what the huge pull is that’s keeping me crawling back to anorexia when all it appears to do is create a tsunami of misery and self-hatred. Right now it gives me security and stability in a world that feels anything but okay. It may make me feel worse in the long-term, but in each moment where I have a decision to make it feels like the easier, safer one… that’s how it keeps me trapped.

If I could just escape my own mind for a minute it would help, but I can’t I feel swamped. No escape. God sometimes I wish I could be one of those people oblivious to mental illness, one of those reading this that has no idea what I’m really talking about, no understanding as to why I can’t just ‘shake it off’. 

I don’t know how I’ll get through today. It’s only 11:00am and I already want to go back to sleep, to forget about life and the pain my existence is causing to those I love the most. I don’t know what to do, or where to go, I should be the one moving out, Midge deserves the support far more than me.”

 The top photo below was unknowingly taken by Midge on the day mentioned above, it exposes the side of anorexia that others never see. It was one of my worst days. My world felt like it was collapsing around me. But that’s only half of it, that’s only half of the story behind that picture. What about Midge, what about my family? The ones who have to watch helplessly, who are dragged through this illness just as much as I am.

I often get notes of encouragement and kind messages, because I’m the ‘ill one’ people recognise my pain, people empathise with it, and I don’t for a moment take that for granted, in fact some days it’s your individual words that will me to keep going. But there’s also a whole army behind the sufferer doing daily battle too. Midge starts back at Oxford this weekend, she has to go back into that environment, known for it’s intensity and rigour. Not only that though, she has to go back knowing the pain it causes me to be torn away from her, once again, she’s pulled in two directions.

Midge is the biggest reason I keep going daily, she is THE most compassionate, caring, and selfless person I’ve ever met. I want to shout LOUD how much I adore her and how strong she is. If you know Midge, count yourself a very lucky person, and if you count her as a friend of yours, count yourself even luckier.

Midge, you truly are the best.