How it's all been going...
I don’t really know where to begin… the past two weeks have been a total whirlwind.
So I’ve now completed two weeks at Orri and my goodness has it been hard. Only those in there and my close family will know just how challenging I’ve found it. But I’m still here, I’m still determined, and with each day I find more strength that I didn’t know I had.
However, this wouldn’t be the case was it not for the incredible team who work at Orri. Never in my life have I met such dedicated, supportive, and kind professionals. Take my first evening for example…
28/10/19 21:00 –
‘Cried all the way through supper so much so I had to be taken out and sat in the other room. The main came out and despite being on reduced portions, it looked HUGE, anorexia totally took over. The dietician sat with me for a whole hour, she even offered if they could make me something I might find more manageable, or re-heat my food, but anorexia was having none of it. She said they couldn’t force me as it’s not like an inpatient setting, but she needed me to eat it. It was then that my eating disorder realised there was no compromise to be done, I had no choice, I simply HAD to eat it. So she warmed it up, and suggested we move rooms to change the environment, and gradually bite after bite I got through it. As tears streamed down my face the dietician looked at me with such gentle but firm belief and assured me that they wouldn’t have taken me on if they didn’t think I could do this. She explained that Orri is there to help me when I can’t do it myself and that if she had let me go home without eating this supper she would be letting anorexia win and she simply won’t allow that to happen. She said that in picking up that fork and eating I regained control, and even if I loose hope at times, she never would, ‘I know you can do this!’.
Again on Thursday the unwavering support offered at Orri shone through. I felt totally beside myself, I had done all day, but it reached it’s peak, so I left. I walked out of Orri in search of some kind of relief, some sense of control.
07/11/19 16:00 –
‘Sat in Pret by Tottenham Court Road. Walked out of Orri. Couldn’t do today. It all went downhill from breakfast, I half thought that giving the homeless lady money on my way in this morning would set me in good karma for the rest of the day but clearly not. I don’t know where to go, initially I felt a burst of relief upon walking out of Orri’s doors, but now as I sit tears flooding this page, what’s quickly followed is an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and hopelessness. What do I do now? Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I just get better? Why’s this all so hard? Six missed calls from Orri, I don’t deserve their help or kindness. I don’t know what to do.’
What followed were a stream of supportive texts wanting to know that I was safe and encouraging me to return to Orri. I explained that the overwhelming feeling that eating more is provoking feels far too much and nothing seems to help reduce it, no amount of talking was helping today. She explained that, ‘sometimes there isn’t anything that can be ‘done’ but being with someone can help. I’m here and happy to be with you. We can go very gently and support you. Don’t worry about dinner or snack, but maybe just getting back to us so we can be alongside you.’ Her kindness and non-judgemental willingness to help not only got me to return to Orri, and manage supper. It also made me realise that the part of Mima that wants this, that truly wants to get better is far stronger than anorexia, and it’s that part that bought me back through Orri’s doors on Thursday evening. It’s that part that will help me beat this. But not alone, I can’t do it alone and that’s why having a team behind me who are as incredible as those at Orri is so vital. Never have I felt as supported as I do at Orri, it truly is a very special place and I am eternally grateful to all those backing me who have made accessing this treatment possible.
Week three starts today, I’ve set out new goals, and am going into it determined. I just hope this week involves less tears.